after just reading maybe the 67th comment about my shit talking Ive decided to call it quits with publicly broadcasting my opinions on people, things and life.
Ok, so I do talk shit, I probably am immature, an idiot, and a million and other one things, but hey. Deal with it.

Im making this friends only from now on, so if I like reading your shit and you like reading mine, then its alrightt.

having a livejournal is fun, its a million times better than myspace,its more legible than a diary, and alot more personal because in the year 2007 almost every kid sits online for hours a night, so why not write in an LJ? its fun.
But yeah.

I cant be arsed making all my old entries friends only, so Ill leave them there.


Laters skaters.

I enjoyed a nice 12 hour sleep, or maybe 11/10, either way. Its like 2 days of sleep for me.
Which is really good!
I still feel a bit groggy and I look like a robot with shit hair.

Portions for foxes always makes me smile, I think its because I really got into it when we had a mini heatwave a few weeks ago and I was being a major flirt, so it also reminded me that I'm bad news.
haha, and then when I heard it on Greys Anatomy it just made me smile even more because its played at such a good time! The music people for fox or whoever does it, really need a pat on the back for that.

So anyway, I woke up at like 5/6 cause my phone vibrated really loud, but then I fell back to sleep and woke up at 2.
I made spaghetti letters on toast and had coffee.
My hairs greasy, so Ive just pushed it back (oh wait, Ive not finished!)
Ive got the same tshirt I had on yesterday on. I fell asleep in it.
And Im wearing white Y fronts that I got from Wal Mart.
Im sure everyones finding me really attractive right now.

On another note, 5 DAYS!
haha, as if Im going away for almost 2 months in 5 bloody/fucking/freaking days! WOOOO!

I need to make a packing list then Im done!
Transfer's booked, hostels booked, moneys planned, flights are all booked, so all I need to do now is go!
This has been a bitch to plan, I thought it was easy cause its not the african jungle is it, its new york!
but unless youre planning on spending over £2K then dont bother thinking its easy.
You have to skim through the left over rooms in midtown hostels, with bunkbeds and shared between 15 showers.
But hey! NEW YORK!

Ive made a full itinerary for the week and I reckon I'll have a huge blast.
I dont have as long as I thought in Las Vegas but still... I want to see the Janet terminal where the Janet planes to Area 51 leave.
mysterious little buggars
I want to grab one of the people getting off and kidnap them, and interrogate them!
Ill say Im 007, from england and my name is Cameron Bravo.
And Ill steal all their military/government passes and go to Area 51 and expose the Alien city to the world!
WOOOO!



fat chance.
Ill probably sit in the departures lounge eating hersheys and drinking coffee.

Seriously though, I was up till gone 2 reading about that shit. Sian mentioned it to me, and I had heard of it, maybe as a video game or something but when I looked it up.
It really does creep me out and fascinate me like hell.
Why are the US government hiding whatever is inside Area 51 from the nation?
What is so bad and secretive that they cant let their own country know?
If its just weapons testing and advanced aircraft testing then should it be so close to a town? (Rachel, Nev.)?
Why are the aircraft so advanced? Where are they planning on travelling to? Theyre not NASA are they.
Have they experimented on people? Found life on other planets that they are keeping in 51?
too many secrets!
If I was an american Id be living in Rachel, Nev. Right now, demanding answers and devoting my life to getting in!
if youre a pilot its easy, apply at (EG&G I think) and you can become a Janet airplane pilot
therefore you can go into 51!
kidnap the aliens and be a hero!
oh it drives me insane.
why why why what what what.

Someome must have answers.
I wish that someone would read this damn journal and tell me!
again, fat chance.

Relient K are so saturday morning :)
Im jobless, happy, and not in love!
Im far to frustrated for love right now.
anyway
5 days and counting ;]



XO

to drink coffee for 40 days and 40 nights
a sip for every second hand tick.

I think Id die.

Ok, So Im leaving for new york in like......6 days.
And the excitement:scared ratio has drastically changed.

Scared:10-Excitement-6

here are the things im scared of:
-theyll be huge queues for the shower in the hostel
-the locker wont fit my laptop and stuff in
-ill get robbed
-ill run out money or subway wont pay me my last wage so ill be fucked
-the shuttle will be late to pick me up from my hostel to take me to NJ

theyre my only main worries
and theres no way of my getting rid of them
once ive packed and planned my days out ill be fine

god I suck.
note to friends/acquaintances: Ill be whining about new york till wednesday night

when I return in august ill whine about my trip.
and then conversation will return to normal, I promise.
I feel a bit sick from those carrot sticks I ate earlier, eugh.

Im spending the night alone tonight, after enjoying almost 6 hours of the TV Screen with steph last night
'But Im a cheerleader' - best lesbian film ever! and it has THE cutest sex/kissing scene ever, its not pervy in the slightest.
THEN
episodes 1-4 of greys anatomy
I LOVED IT!
oh wow. Meredith Grey, I heart you alot.

My backs sore, and I need to stop stressing.

Anyway, expect no LJ updates when Im away, unless Im desperate.

yawn yawn
tegan and sara- the con
is amazing.

The albums going to be amazing, I can tell.
It sucks Ill be in cuba when it comes out, and they dont sell good CDs there so Ill have to wait.
Oh it adds to the suspense!

I want to visit guantanamo but its a right pain in the arse to plan out.
New yorks near enough killed me!
Anyway
off to plan and watch a film, maybe.
Il end up on here with brand nizzo on all night.






XO

I just dropped this fucking laptop on the floor.
well no, I didnt.
It was on the table, and I walked in.
and BANG
it just flew off of the table, and seriously I was like 5 metres away from it.

This house has some like, magnetic forcefield or some shit in it, because Im sorry but that is weird as hell. and wow.
its really freaked me out,a nd Im so glad its not broke, but im scared ill wake up and itll be al trashed or all chewed up by some ghost.

Freaaaak.
pop bubble rock was alright, but I think the sight of Louisa wood made the night rather shit,
Kat asked me a good question, 'why dont you like her'
I replied with 'Shes a shit stirring, loser with nothing better to do than create drama, be 'new rave' and do pills'Im not a fan of all 5 things, well. Being a losers ok, cause Im a big loser but still.

She talked shit to chris. I let it slide.
She talked shit to jenna smith. whattt?

I saw that is a taking the piss kinda thing to do.
She gave me some smarmy look and I wanted to give her a smarmy punch.

obviously Im a respectable, and Im not going to start a scene like I did at brand new.
I have few words to say about / to that girl.

Do one.

I hate shit stirrers, its the most pointless , lame, sign of boredom with life, thing.
Chris told me some junk about her, and now I really dont doubt any of it!
GIRLS EY!

apart from that the night was ok.
Music was average, and I just stood there, I havent quite mastered the art of looking interested when severley bored yet.
Soon, Soon.

anyway
its thursday now
so one week today and Im gone.


thank gawd
this black guy rubbed his legs against mine on the bus before, it was disgusting.
I sat there and counted the stops till home.
3
2
1
and I got off.
Literally, hahahaha.

ew.

anyway.
poointless update, cant sleeeeeep.

So this has nothing to do with anyone except me, myself and Cameron.

I'm drinking pepsi max and eating a pot noodle, Im probably gaining about 6 lbs right now but thats not on my mind, so Ill continue to waffle.

I need merits in each unit to get into swansea.
Short Film- ?
Instructional DVD- Merit ( Boo Yah)
Scriptwriting- ?
Photography- ?

If I get 3 more confirmed merits, or..... maybe um.. 2 merits and a pass, I could blag it with my English Language AS.
Hm.
I hope so, this journal is treated like a 'talking out loud' recorder.
Only Im not talking, Im just typing.

Then when I get to uni Ill find a job so I can save for next years travels.
And Ill go vegan and Ill go the gym 5 nights away, Ill squeeze in 2 hours a day between work.
And Ill quit with the self conscious bulshit.
To be fair I dont give a shit, but everyone I fancy seems to be everything Im not.
So maybe if I actually thought, YEAH CAMERON! YOU LOOK GOOD! then maybe Id stop being so crap at everything.

HM.
I sound so cliche/typical/angsty
but I dont care, Im just trying to reach some form of clarity.
Uni will be detox, and starting a fresh with myself.
I dont want to drag anything or anyone with me
Secretly I do , But the less I think about it, the better Ill be :]

Ive really gotten into Tegan & Sara alot since today.
Ive always liked them but I actually LISTENED to them, and got into the lyrics and everything.
And wow, what a band
theyre amazing.

If anyone is interested.
1-Living Room
2-Speak Slow
3-The con
4-not tonight
5-take me anywhere
6-this is everything

go listen to them in that order, its nice.
ive just finished my pot noodle.
now I feel so gross haha.
proper smack head foood.
Im so unhealthy, I drink the drinks everyone hates, Im a bad vegetarian and I never excercise.
I dont usually care, but everyone is starting to rub off on me and I now feel quite bad!
I love the fact that this is just life.
We always try and perfect ourselves and find problems with ourselves that NEED fixing.
NEED fixing, or WANT fixed, because they dont convey to how were SUPPOSED to be.
Our hairs supposed to be that awesome style that 'whats-her-face' has got.
Our teeth need to be sparkly white.
Our skin is supposed to be perfect and smooth, oh and tanned!
Well sorry, I fail here! Ive got a few spots today (its ugly week see, everyone gets them.. right? haha)
My eyebrows are a state, thank god for my fringe!
My skins white like a ghost.
Our pant size needs to be 0,6,8,10, or 12 if you can pull it off... Well I wear a size 12 when im feeling good, but size 14 all the way im afraid, I wear my pants round my arse anyway.
I have a stupid chest and a stupid back, I wear small mens and medium mens shirts because all I wear are BAND SHIRTTTTS
I have hundreds.
Literally.

My nose is dead squishy, this is cause I was born face up and I reckon the midwife broke it or something.
HMM.
what else...

hmm OH SHIT.
our ears should be nice so we can wear pretty ear rings.
Sorrry, mines ripped in half.

god Im the definition of rough.
these imperfections keep me going though.

If I was toned like a footballer.
Was tanned like Katie Price ( ;] )
had eye brows like tegan quin (I love hers!)
had teeth like... Nicole Richie (shes got nice hollywood teeth)
Then Id be bored.
nothing to complain about.
Id feel perfect and waste 3 /4 hours a day moisturizing, applying make up, fake tanning, waxing, excercising.

fuck ittt.

Im a mess, and thats how I am.
Lazy Lazy Lazy.

Oh god, I sound like such a 15 year old!
But I had to write it down.

Feel free to stop reading here,
Cause Im going to stop typing.


Pffft.

Tegan and sara all night, now its gone onto terror.
shudder.

too muchh
xxxxxooo

I've been in such a mood today.
My mum 'misplaced' my phone which sucked a bit.
Shes found it now, but conveniently misplaced the charger too.

Its stupid to get in a mood over, but my phone kills time, and kills at least 2 hours of 'would be' boredom. Every day.

I hate the sound of bees, wasps and blue bottles, every time I hear it I shudder.
I think it reminds me of being stung.

I also hate it when people say Camera, or Cam. Because I think theyre talking to me/about me/ at me/ whatever me.
Its quite annoying.
I was in a super mood this morning, despite the phone incident.
But then my tutor decided to review all my work in the folder and give me 'pointers' on what to change.
Which is ace cause Ive got until Thursday to do quite alot of stuff now. Woo!

Tomorrow Ill get as much of it done as I physically can, and the same with the stupid photography work.
Then I can FINALLY get excited.

I hope I dont die when I'm away. That would suck.

To anyone who talks to me in person, you should all get excited for when I get back.
Because theyll be no more conversation about America! Which I know you hate, alot.
Just imagine it, all I'll talk about is. Swansea, being a bit scared/excited, and Tegan And Sara!

oh shit, that reminds me. I better go try book a ticket.
...
WOOOO
I got a tegan and sara ticket
wooooooo
wooooooo


Aww wow, its at life cafe.
thats well small.
I think this has made my day :D

I have a new found love/hobby for studying peoples body language, and figuring out what they're thinking.
I have a new found hate for the word 'estranged'

My number of friends seems to have decreased over the past few weeks, I like the fact I've only spoken to and been with my 30 odd year old work friend, whom I get on with quite well.
He makes me laugh alot, and flirts like hell but knows I'm a lesbian, (I would say the word gay, but he doesnt understand why I use the word 'gay' to describe a lesbian, he thinks its for men only. So y'know)
Its weird how I talk to him like a friend, and from me hating him a few weeks ago to now actually enjoying working with him, is a good.. erm, improvement?
I dont know.

I had the longest break today, I made this dead fit salad bowl with everything in and ranch dressing, and the smallest bit of grated cheese. It was well fit.
Then I nicked 2 bags of apples and ate them.
I listened my ipod and met Macieks incredibly 'charming' friend, also called Maciek. He tried to be dead swish, and smooth.
I laughed for a bit, then carried on eating my salad and listening to Good Charlotte :]

This old woman who lives in the mental home down the road came in again today, she's called Mary and she's dead funny. Every time she comes in I always rush to serve her, because she actually does fascinate me.
She never actually orders anything, I ask her does she want [insert random sandwich name here] and she says yes and starts laughing then talking to her friend [ her imaginary friend, whom she has really in depth conversations with].
I usually just make her turkey with a bit of salad and a drink of tea. I only charge her £2.99 because I'm nice.
I love how she puts money on the counter, then snatches it back and shouts at her imaginary friend for throwing money around.
She told me about her holiday that shes going on today, to the 'Salfordian', its in southport I think. My gran went there once.
Its for old people, the name gives it away.

Anyway, she left her carrier bag, so I banged on the window and she stared at me for ages then must have remembered it was her bag, I felt like Id done a dead good deed!
She kept saying God Bless you, when I gave it back to her.
Then she said she'd come back in to see me before she went away to the Salfordian.
Too bad I'll have quit then.

After we shut the shop, Maciek kept asking me 'where I was', I guess he'd clocked on I was miles away.
I kept zoning out and staring into space, and thinking about nothing.
I think it's all sub-conscious excitement about going to New York.
If anyone knew how long Ive wanted to go there, then youd feel my excitement.
But Im finding it hard to get giddy/excited, because I have college work to finish before I can even thinking about going to Times Square and eating Bagels for breakfast.
I need to finish that and leave college, book transfers from JFK, and back to NWR, then I can pack and get excited, like any normal person would do.


I thought about old friends, and family members today, thus me hating the word estranged.
*AHEM*
Estranged-one who formerly was close, who now has (or does) little in common with their former relative or friend


such as sad and crap word. I think it pretty much sums up me.
Even though I've stopped with the whole ;move along' thing.
It'd bad that over the past 4 years, Ive had a million different best friends, and friends.
I dont talk to anyone from high school, and I talk to 2 people out of college.
Im glad Ive got who Ive got now though.

I wish I was doing college work instead of writing a lengthy, non-sense-making, livejournal entry.
But I cant, its in college! PFFFT.

I think I saw a girl I used to be really close with the other day on the bus, its funny how for a period in your life, you're like that with someone.
Close.
Share all your stupid little secrets, have sleepovers, write each other letters and make mix cds.
Then the next day you both refuse eye contact with each other, and you continue on your way, and dont know a thing about how each other are doing, whether theyre married, have kids, gay, addicted, whatever.
I think not seeing someone ever again is creepy.
How will you know if theyre dead or not?
Not that it matters, but death is just the all time end to it, like, erm, If I wasnt to see my old best friend Michelle for years it wouldnt bother me, cause I know she lives in Little Hulton, and if I ever wanted to see her, I could call to her parents and find out where she is.
But if she was dead, I wouldnt know, and Id be here thinking that shes fine and well etc etc.
I dunno, its just creepy.
I hate thinking about it.
Hi, Im morbid.


MOSHI MOSHI- GO LISTEN :)

I stink of subway, eugh.

Aww, the girl that works near me is really cute. But Im not even gonna write about it.
It would only go like this anyway, 'sdfsjdfhgagdfasfhd'.



x

on another note, its technically Saturday.

12 days till I board a flight with my ipod to JFK :]

I'll water down my other entry in this new journal I have.
I could put the name of it in here, and I'm guessing maybe 2 people would read it.
Not even that.
Maybe 0.
But still, having a paper journal really doesnt work for me at the minute, with my half asleep childish scrawl not resembling anything of the english language, its not exactly good to look back on.
Literally.

So I decided, cause I spend most my life on here anyway I might aswell get another, to actually spill everything in.
I sound like such a loser but theres no other way of telling why I got another journal haha.
Anyway.
So I was sat at my grans the other day, because I wanted a small break from the mothers house. It just gets too hectic at times.
So I was sat there, with this fancy MacBook in front of me, my super shiny KRZR contract phone to my right, with its 550minutes and unlimited texts, then my brand new 30gb ipod to my left.
My £400 start to a half sleeve, the loose change that adds up to £4 in my pocket

I realised for the first time ever in my entire life. Money can't fill the void.
I dont know how anyone can truely get happy with money.
Sure its exciting for like 7 minutes, but then whats left?
If I drank then ok I could spend 200 a month on nights out getting pissed, it wouldnt make me happy, but a hell of alot more 'confident'.
If I did drugs then Id get a number of 'highs' whatever, off my money that bought drugs.
If I was a sex addict I could get prostitues, If I was addicted to whatever, I could get whatever.
But none of it brings happiness!
I sound like an old preacher, but I want someone to realise the same.

Its the most painful realisation youll ever have.
Money means travel, money means live, but it really doesnt mean happiness.

I honestly think the only thing that can bring such happiness is love and being happy / content with yourself.
Which no one ever seems to be or have.
So thats the question, is anyone ever really happy?


What is happy?!

haha, can you tell its 12.28pm?
I talk shittttt.

I like this song, and we all sing it when we're reminded of it, and happen to be feeling a bit.... unloved, haha. If thats the right word.
We all love it anyway, no matter how cheesy or shit it is. Its just one of 'those' songs



I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'll shine up my old brown shoes
Put on a brand new shirt
Get home early from work
If you say that you love me
Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'
Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
I'll shine up my old brown shoes
Put on a brand new shirt
Get home early from work
If you say that you love me
Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'
Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'
Hey!
Feeling all alone without a friend you know you feel like dying
Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you cryin'
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me
I want you to want me

Doesn't she just scream the word 'glamour'?
haha, I love how bitchy she is too. Kat linked me to some post she made about travis barkers wife.
I think Hollywood would hate me.

Im not visiting there this year, Ill wait till Ive been to papua new guinea and climed mountains and lived in rainforests.

Im sure I'd find more civilisation there than in Hollywood.

I well need to excercise, Im getting gross.
I cant be bothered though, ill wait til I get back, theres no point in starting now is there!

I think im being a moody twat becaus I still have no ipod and its killing me having nothing to listen to!
apart from this laptop, which is a godsend, but still.
I cant fall asleep with this can I?!
that would be
A) weird
and B) stupid.


I want to go to sleep but my mums watching the exorcist in the living room, on my sofa that I sleep on.
Eugh.
Im in such a mood.
Someone let me live with them for a week.

work wont give me any hours so I give up, Im going to be lazy and retreat to Little Hulton for a day or two!
Tomorrow, nothing.
Tuesday, nothing.
Wednesday, nothing.
Thursday, Steph.
Friday, nothing.
Sat+Sun -Work
Monday-College work till wednesday I reckon.
Wednesday-Beach Partay.
Thurs- hand my notice in at subway!
Fri-
Sat+Sun-prbably working.
Monday-nothing
Tuesday- Get mo' dollarrsss.
Wednesday-Axegirl/vanilla/ sleep :) Have steph or someone stay over
Thursday- Sians taking me to the airport. I think Ill make her a mix cd filled with the shit I listen to. What an ideaaa.

Someone pointed out that I drag my words when I typeee, like thissss.

but If I type like this, and type a full conversation just like this, then how boring and serious and lame and robotic and computer like and WEIRD, do I sound?
veryyyy .

Haha, work was so fun today.
I did nothing.
I got in at 11, gossiped with the poles, learnt good morning in polish, leanrt housewife in polish (hen- haha)
ate sandwich and yoghurt, gossiped some more, read yesterdays daily star because Im butch and gay.
Served about..10 people all day, cleaned, listned to bon jovi on Macieks ipod, and got really wet.
Thats about it.

I went in a mood last night and delted everything off my myspace, ive slowly added things to it today.
a link to this for the lurkies and fuck what fireworks stand for.
Cause its the best song ever, with the best lyrics ever, and one of the best bands ever sings it, and..
what do fireworks stand for?
bonfire night, excitedness, scaredness? happyness?
who knows!

I love that song anyway.
I think I have a chest infection, I cough my insides up and blow my brains out at least 78 times a day.

HMMM
Im sure everyone reading this now thinks Im super attractive ;]

anyway.
I cant be bothered writing much today.

my lips feel dead burny, I need to remind myself to stop spending £5 at bar burrito for dead nice mexican food that leaves me looking blotchy and awful.
And to make it worse I had a few conversations in kitchens toilets which have the worst lighting ever and it seems to highlight every bad thing about your face,
DEAD RANK



awww
I dont even want to write about my evening.



I think Im addicted to livejournal

3 ha's. This must be funny!
not..
I just find it amusing when I walk through town and scene girls do a double take on me because I reckon for a split second they think OH WOW EMO BOY! then they realise Im a girl, and Im not emo, and then they look away.

It is funny, I think.
I feel a bit sick today, this really isnt hayfever, Ive lost my appetite a bit too , which is very unlike me.
I eat like a horse and a pig put together and I have the signs of over indulgence to prove it.

Robert (Mothers boyfriend) gave me £20 last night.
Im going to spend £4 on rock kitchen, Im going to leave at 11.45 though.
Then Ill spend £15 /10 on a fit haircut, cause I am getting sick of having shit hair.
But ill get it the day before I go away, so it doesnt grow and get scruffy before I arrive a'la Americaaa.

I need to buy a pair of shorts, a bikini top (I know, I know..Gross) 2 tshirts and mens flip flops. Because I HATE those fancy ones that go in between your toes, they make me feel like being sick.
EUGH.

I need to book those shuttle transfers from JFK -> Manhattan , and Manhattan-> Newark.
I keep forgetting.

Robert bought me travel insurance last night, because he said he doesn't want me to die.
I reckon I will anyway, by the time (IF, hopefully NOT!) and ambulance picks me up, they have to call the UK and verify my insurance details and payments etc, THEN they can save my life.
Cheap twats!

God, Im morbid.
Im trying to stop talking shit lately, and it was working today until I made some really stupid remark about something.
I cant remember it now.
But seriously, I am insane. 120% convinced.

A girl the other night told me she enjoyed reading this journal, I do love compliments about this old thing, its always nice to hear that someone appreciates your shit. Almost literally.

I think I'll print it all out one day, un edited.
_fatefalls_ - early teens, in the closet, alcoholic
carryonx- prick
and now goodbyeto_sleep - delirious, bitchy and full of shit.

I could put it all into one big book and call it SHIT.
and everyone could read it and have fun. woo.

Ive said shit so many times in this entry.
I think its quite sad how livejournal has become my new best friend, I confide in this which is really gay.
I write everything in this, my secret one (gay, i know) and the one for caroline.

I am clearly the epitome of loser, and someone with too much 'evening' time on their hands.
I slate myself quite abit too, which I need to stop doing.

Im talking crap now.
ROCK KITCHENNNNNN,
I think Ill say hi, have a dance, maybe drink water, and persuade someone to dance with me.
Then Ill come home and sleep.
I hope I see Sian and Steph alot before I go to EM ER EE CAAAH.

A+AGHHHH
Im dead excited but scared.
someone come with me? Ill annoy the brains out of you, and youll hate me after 2 days and 2 nights.
BUT STILL!
Im sending postcards to people from Zoo York so if anyone wants one , HIT ME UP BRAHHHHH.

Steph, Chris, Mum, Tonia, Sian, Sharma.

THATLL DOOO.
Im sure postcard writing and sending will occupy one full day.
Ill send them when I get to oregon or NC. New YOIK will be way to hectic for a brutha to send a postcard back to shitland.

Ive well missed blink 182 , theyre on now. And I smell like a sandwich.
Everyone was talking about sexxx today, made me feel well sick.
Im well not normal but Hey.

Im going to stop now.

I hope everyone who's reading these words right now has a good day/night/morning/week/life/summer / whatever.
Im feeling nice today.



EX OH EX OH EXXXXXXXXX

I've had such a moody night, all this straight edge doubting, and wow.

Ive not been myself lately, and I really think what I have got isnt just a bad case of hayfever.
Ive been coughing my insides up for the past week.

I hope Im not dying! That would suck alot.
I need June 14th to get here, Ill miss a few people a hell of alot when I go though.
But I need the break, I really do.

I cant even talk to anyone anymore.
I cant talk to steph, or chris.
Carolines at the end of a phone line but actual conversation is what Im definately starved of.
Vicci and Sian are actually reallly good to talk to but I dont see them that much.

I think I should stay in North Carolina forever and get a job at taco bell as a cleaner on $2 an hour.

Brand New have made my night

THE BOY WHO BLOCKED HIS OWN SHOT- ACCOUSTICCCCC


listen to it.
2 weeks 6 days :)

straight edge isnt easy.








I've not felt like this before, but reading bulletins like.. 'im going out and getting blitzed, i dont know how else to deal with this'


makes me think that I do go through some shit, and deal with it by writing shit or listening to music.
I really dont know where Im at but I need someone straight minded to talk shit to me.
Im not running off the rails, Im just at a point in my 18th year where Im a little bit confused.

Ive got an exam that starts in 29minutes.
I do actually have 2, but whether or not I take the re-sit at 10.30, is still undecided.
I got a C in the last one and is it worth sitting there in the same spot for 3 hours, writing.
Writing Shit.



I dont know, I should set off now but Im listening to a really nice song.

Its 2.24pm right now, my hairs so greasy and smokey from last night it actually feels like ive waxed it.
Pretty disgusting, I know.
Im drinking coffee and listening to P!ATD because Im not in the mood for anything else.
First realistation of the day (painful) I think I'm a bit of a mess.

I cant write about anything right now, because I dont have the will to.
Forced writing is ten times more boring to read than ACTUAL writing.
So ill wait till it comes to me.

3.10pm- still nothing
3.30pm- I've just been sick, but I feel so much better. This is the second time in 2 days Ive thrown up.
Its quite weird.
3.35pm- now Im getting bored, Ill try and do something a little bit productive, seeing as I have no plans at all for today. This meaning, Ill sit here and lurk online all night.
This laptop is my downfall!

ok TO DO LIST


1) Buy a Laptop case off ebay before Monday

1A) Pass my English language exams tomorrow, 9am-12am, must remember, must remember.

2)Go Shopping with le grandmere before the end of next week to buy a padlock and shorts/vests pour ma vacances.

3)Consider buying travel insurance/ Weigh up the pro's and con's. (please note the sarcasm)

4)Go back to college and write my scriptwriting evaluation and edit Kerry's photography evaluation and other bits.

5)Book transfer from JFK-Manhattan, and Manhattan to Newark (Must give robert £20 tonight for it, dont forget, dont forget)

6)Write a packing list, and keep in mind that Ill be living out of that bag for nearly 2months.


7) Sort travel money out on 5th June!

8)Buy one of those stupid bum bag things that arent actually bum bags, the flat things that go on your tshirt? I reckon Ill get robbed or something so this might come in handy

9)Put all the pissing paper work into a little plastic thing in my hand luggage so immigration dont deport me because Im shit with interrogation!

10)RELAXXX. I want a nice week before I go away, I hate stressing, Im just scared. But Im sure everything will work out ok, i just need to be organised (which I never am) so i really need to sort it out now.


Its worth stressing now then I dont have to stress at all when Im across the atlantic do III.


and finally 11) Fall out of love Cameron, fall out of love.


Im back on the 4th August, Im probably going to work full time till 19th or so of September so I can have some money for Swansea.
4 years of American Studies, a little bit of part time work and a nice room by the seaaa :] . Sounds good.



4pm-
Now I can write about last nights events!
WELL.
It was officially my last day at college (apart from the gay day I need to go in for after half term to hand in other work, and talk shit for some DVD commentary) BUT ANYWAY!
I was meant to be going out to vanilla with Steph but I wasnt feeling up to it that much anyway, she ended up cancelling anyway cause her friend from far far away had come to visit, so it was all fair.
Sian persuaded me..well , all it took was 'aw come out cam' haha. ANYWAY.
So I met her, pagan and leah in town and we went down to coyotes but it was like an all womens football appreciation society so we decided to dash and go to baa bar.
That bar maid was there who I really cant be bothered naming, and I dont understand why all of a sudden we blank each other, and just generally dont like each other, but thats lesbians for you.
Them 3 had a fair few drinks, and god. I must have looked so bored.
I cant drink when Im out unless Im thirsty, cause all I have is water or diet coke!
Because Ive never been out with them lot before, I couldnt exactly sit there and chat shit like I do with Steph, so I imagine I looked quite uncomfortable.
Not a good look.
Straight Edge. Im not even getting into it but here's the inevitable, Im not in the 70's, I dont have a 'crew' and all my friends love alcohol and late nights they have hardly any recollection of.
Im not caving under pressure, but its starting to get hard when I go out with people other than Steph and Kat.

It was easy enough to go straight edge and stand for something when I was 16, but now its starting to get hard. Ill get through it, and have a non existent love life. Im not confident enough for anything anymore.
BUT ANYWAY! ENOUGH OF A TANGENT! And Im NOT Selling out, straight edge is for me, and its the way I am so.

We sat in baa bar for a while and talked and what not, it was nice to hang out with people from college I guess, because I dont ever get to do it because Im too busy thinking that I wouldnt enjoy it.
'EUGH I WELL HATE COLLEGE< WHY WOULD I WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ANYONE FROM THERE'
but, it was good.
I managed to get them to come in vanilla with me , haha, it was fun for the whole 15minutes we were there.
Ive completely gone of Riv, and it was quiet possibly the stupidest and most long lived crush ever.
I hate that word, crush. but it really is the only word to describe it.
After vanilski,we went down to 5th Ave, I think they were all pretty pissed by this point, and I was 923845658768% sober, as always.
I got inside, and I hate the bit where I step through the door and my phone signal immediately cuts out.
It sounds sad that Im so reliant on technology especially on a night out with college friends but still!
Everyone bought more drinks and we found some seats upstairs, and if Im being honest , I really did feel out of place and awkward. I dont even know why.
I kept messing around my phone for hours because I didnt know what to do!
I kept trying to find signal around the dancefloor, hence my million and one disappearances mid 'drunk' conversation with someone.
I tried to text Steph to get her to come so I could just dance like an idiot with her and stuff but no such luck!
It was fun dancing with everyone and just having a laugh, but I really can only take an hour of it.
Who evers reading this probably thinks Im insane, but seriously. If you drink, come out with me for one night to 5th ave, or satans, or even village, and stay sober for the full night. As in 9-2.
Youl hate it.
I sound like im complaining haha, Im really not, Im just not good at the whole 'night out' thing anymore.

I went off with Pagan to the dancefloor and this weirdo guy called George kept feeling my arse and trying to get off with me and pagan, but she kept telling him she was a lesbian.
He didnt believe her, so I just looked away then out of nowhere she kissed me.
It was quite terrible haha, kissing drunk girls is just bad anyway.
Im a shit kisser anyway , so I just stay away from it!
I told Leah and then she tried to kiss me haha, Im the shittest lesbian friend a straight girl could ever want.

Theres no point me writing about 'the girl in my class' anymore.
Im sure everyone knows that its Sian.
I really am the worst gay friend ever! I fall in love way too easily, but only with amazing people! who come along every blue moon, so for everyone who thinks I fall in love every 5 seconds, I really dont!
Its just everytime I get close to someone whos just.... I dont know, great.

So Ill skip through sians drunk conversations with me, and cut to going home. haha.
Im an idiot.<3, but its all good.
Everyone wanted to go to some losers house called 'Saiid, or sayeed?' I dunno, to get stoned.
we all ended up getting on the bus, and I was pretty much falling asleep by this point but Sian was a bit fucked so I decided to stay awake.
I called Caroline because I didnt know what else to do, she must hate my half asleep phone calls.
I chat loads of shit, and my voice is always croaky like a frogs. (sorry CaroLIN. )
Karim (the guy who was taking us to this weirdo's house) got off the bus? and left us (haha) so Sian wanted to get off, this resulted in kirsty 'not going to talk to any of us every again'. Oh well.
Sian and I, walked through fallowfield and talked some crap.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
I cant write about her, haha.
I think Ill rename this journal www.loser.com
We got food, got in the taxi, talked, then I slept.
Id love to write about it more, but this is a journal that I write to be read.
I hope I dont fall in love with her.

I mean, shes such a cool person and one of my dead good friends.
Like caroline was? and falling in love with her made things good I suppose.
the only other person before that was emma, and that ended shit but I was a 15 year old closet gay with no fashion sense what so ever, meaning.. I was a wreck, and had an excuse haha.
But I really hope I dont mess this up.m

Im in a writing mood now.
:]

ill drag these hands over to my other losery journal now ;]
ihavenolife.com


lovelovelove
xxxooxoxoxo

I hate you now

So go away from me

You're gone, so long

I can do better

I can do better

Hay, hay feverrr!

I found myself some benadryl

That's why, your gone

I can do better

I can do better





because Im poor, I had to go in work feeling like death on legs
AND
Customers refused to be served by me because I looked that bad.

I ate a yoghurt and drank loads of orange juice so Im gonan go to sleep now and pray I wake up with the ability to breathe!